This IS who we are as a country

I keep thinking about what Nancy Pelosi said a few nights ago after the insurrection, when they went back to finishing counting the votes. She said “May God continue to bless the USA”. Continue? This is like a slap in the face to a majority of people in this country that certainly do not feel blessed. So who do you want God to continue to bless Nancy? The white people in power who get what they want when they want it? Or are you saying all the people whose land has been stolen, whose people have been murdered, who were stolen and kidnapped to be slaves for generations, that is a blessing?

We say these things so flippantly, but they have a lot of power. And it’s not just Nancy. It’s not just politicians. It’s teachers and ministers and community leaders and business owners…

This CNN story did a great job in explaining the huge chasm:

https://www.cnn.com/videos/us/2021/01/09/capitol-mob-riot-blm-protest-police-orig-mg-llr.cnn”

“So many times when you see event like this people say, ‘this is not who we are as a country, this is not who we are.’ Well, at some point, after you have said that over and over again, maybe it’s time to acknowledge this is who we are as a county .” Omar Jiminez, CNN

“So much of what I saw was dismay and disbelief from my neighbors and people in my community, people I do political work with, and a lot of those people were white, and I have to say that this notion of how did we get here, how could this country be this way as if it was an aberration or an anomaly is only new to people in which the rigged rules in this country don’t apply to.” Alicia Garza, Principal, Black Futures Lab.

There are so many huge steps that need to be taken to get the US where we need to be. There are so many values that need to change. So many foundations that need shaking (and disintegrating). And one of the first things that needs to happen is awareness of language. Of simple statements that, for many people who say them, do not even understand the power behind it.

If you think America is “blessed”, or “the greatest country in the world” that means you think Americans are really only comprised of white people with access to jobs and medical care. Or maybe that America’s tiered system of privilege’s and rights is the way to create greatness. (that’s a fancy way of it’s saying its good to be racist, sexist, homophobic).

I am asking:

• Who makes up America?
• What does “blessed” really mean?
• What makes a country “great”?
• Who are the people making these statements of greatness and blessings?
• Why do they want us to believe this?
• Who loses the most if we change these definitions and values? If we teach the true history of this country?

I think we need to drop “May God continue to bless America” and instead say “May we change America.”

I think we need to drop “America is the greatest county” and replace it with “What needs to happen so that America can be a great country”. Let’s forget about this obsession with being the greatest/best/most powerful/#1 etc, and think about what needs to happen so we are the best we can be. It is not a competition. Because when we need to be the best all the time, we forget about what sucks about us. And when we do that, we oppress, degrade, minimize, discriminate against, hurt, ignore and violate rights of most Americans.

Stop bringing your Trump sign to human rights’ protests.

I attended a Black Lives Matter Protest in my “City” today. It was organized by High School Students.  Well organized.  Informative.  Incredibly inspiring.  I would guest about 200 people showed up.  With their kids.  With their grandparents.  After some incredibly powerful and insightful speeches by the students (and one adult) we walked the few miles down Baldwin street and then back to the starting point.  We had so many people cheering and honking, raising fists and peace signs out of their sunroofs.  I was so encouraged!  I need to give way more credit to my community.

But this is what I cannot stop thinking about.  At the march today there were a handful of counter protesters. They all had Trump signs. A few people yelled out of their car windows “4 more years!” What does that mean?  What is that saying about Trump, and Trump supporters?

If you are protesting a peaceful march about Black lives with a Trump sign, you are making this about politics, NOT human rights. You are saying your politics are about keeping people oppressed so you can have more.  It is saying your politics are prejudice and discriminatory. If the opposite of Black Lives Matter is 4 more years of Trump, then help me understand how that is not a vote for racism. (That question is rhetorical).

Those of you holding Trump signs at protests about human rights are making a very loud and clear statement: We want Trump to be president because we want racist agendas, policies & laws.   It is that simple.  It is that horrific.

I am reading How to be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi.  In the intro of this book he states: “Racist ideas make people of color think less of themselves, which makes them more vulnerable to racist ideas. Racist ideas make White people think more of themselves, which further attracts them to racist ideas.” (pg 6)

He has great definitions in the beginning of each chapter. For example :

“Assimilation: one who is expressing the racist idea that a racial group is culturally or behaviorally inferior and is supporting cultural or behavioral enrichment programs to develop that racist group” (pg 24)

“Segregationist: One who is expressing the racist idea that a permanently inferior racial group can never be developed and is supporting policy that segregates away that racial group” (pg 24)

“Antiracist: One who is expressing the idea that racial groups are equals and none needs developing, and is supporting policy that reduces racial inequity.”  (pg 24)

There is no room for indifference or not my problem.  If you are not an active part of the solution then you are a part of the problem.  Full Stop. Antiracism is the only way to bring change.  It is the only way towards equality, equity and justice.

I have learned so much doing antiracist work, books, webinars, trainings, speeches, conversations… I am only 60 pages into Kendi’s book, but there are a few things that he discusses, that I keep coming back to when I think about those counter protesters standing behind Trump signs:

Kendi says: “I had been taught that racist ideas cause racist policies. That ignorance and hate cause racist ideas.  That the root problem of racism is ignorance at hate… But that gets the chain of events exactly wrong. The root problem has always been the self-interest of racist power.  Powerful economic  political, and cultural self-interest- the primitive accumulation of capital has been behind racist policies.  Powerful and brilliant intellectuals then produces racist ideas to justify the racist policies of their era, to redirect the blame for their era’s racial inequities away from those polices and onto people.” (pg 42-43)

A Trump vote is a racist vote.  It is homophobic, sexist, xenophobic.  It is saying “I (a white person) want to keep my power because I (a white person) deserves it, needs it, am afraid to lose it because if I was ever treated the way I treat people of color and other marginalized populations it would be horrible.  I can’t live the way I want you to live.  So I vote for Trump.”

No politician or political party is perfect.  But Black lives DO matter.  Black lives more than matter, they should be celebrated and honored and respected. We need an accurate and representation of history.  We need policy and laws that are equitable and just.  We need to learn.  We need to change.  So stop bringing your Trump signs to marches.  Bring your ears and your open mind.

 

 

A time to…

What time is it right now?

Play

This season, for People of Color, for the oppressed and the marginalized, for the victims of racism and hate, needs to be a season of having power, of having a voice.  It is a time for you to lead.  It is a time for you to write the narrative.  It is a time for you to be heard and to build.  It is a time for you to be free and safe and dance and sing and yell and scream and break down systems. It is a time for you to paint and write and create.

I say this full well knowing this has been happening for thousands of years.  That the beauty and intelligence and talent and creativity and advocacy and activism and fighting spirit has always been there.  It has always been the time for this…which is why I need to understand and accept what season it is for me….

A time to learn.  A time to be proactive in understanding.,  A time to listen. A time to be really uncomfortable.  A time to see how I am a part of the problem.  A time to hold others accountable even if it makes relationships awkward, or ends them all together.  It is a time to sit in the middle of my discomfort and fear.  It is time to be an example.  It is time to admit what I don’t know.  It is time to love deeply.  It is a time to speak up and use my voice to spread the message of equality, equity, justice.  It is time for me to know where I have power and use it, but only after I know that I am sending the right message.  So it is time for me to hear the message of Black Lives Matter.  Over and over.  It is time for me to have hard discussions and read lots of books and watch lots of documentaries and reflect on how I am a part of the problem.  It is time for me to stand next to you and follow your lead.  It is time for me to see how my world was built to keep your world down. It is time for me to see how my power has not left room for your’s.

It is NOT a time to be righteous in what i have done. Not a time to make excuses.  Not a time to be comfortable.  It IS a time for us to admit how the U.S. was built to help white people at every conceivable time.  And to help rip the system apart and be allies in building it anew.   Not leaders, not decision makers, but helpers.

It is a time for me to go back and learn history through a different lens.  It is time for me to read the books and see the art and hear the songs that have been a part of this world for thousands of years, but never put in front of me.  It’s time for me to stop waiting for someone to always put something in front of me.  It’s time for me to find them. Because what was put in front of me always made sense to me.  I didn’t need to go looking for someone who looked like me, or history that told the truth, or art and music that represented me.

And hopefully my season will align with your season.  And there will be equal footing and balance.  A season where love will be enough.  

None of what I said sounds as pretty as the song/verse, but when I just posted the lyrics it seems that there was context missing.

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace

A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it’s not too late

The answer my friend…

I made a new play list recently.  It’s named protest songs.  There is Bob Dylan and Jackson Brown and many other’s from that era.  I would like to share with you a personal favorite from Joan Biaz, I did make a few edits though… (If you want to listen while you read click here

How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?

How many seas must the white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?

How many times must the cannon balls fly
Before they’re forever banned?

The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind right in front of us

A supporter is seen holding a sign during a Rise Up Against Racism protest in Fish Creek Park. Protestors gathered in solidarity to support of George Floyd, who died while a Minneapolis police officer kneeled on his neck. Sunday, May 31, 2020. Brendan Miller/Postmedia

How many years can a mountain exist
Before it’s washed to the sea?

How many years must some people exist
Before they’re allowed to be free?

And how many times can a man turn his head
And pretend that he just doesn’t see 

WASHINGTON, DC – APRIL 13: U.S. President Donald Trump speaks during the daily briefing of the White House Coronavirus Task Force at the James Brady Press Briefing Room of the White House April 13, 2020 in Washington, DC. On Monday President Trump tweeted that he will be the one to make the decision to re-open the states in conjunction with the Governors and input from others. (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)

The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind  RIGHT IN FRONT OF US

A supporter is seen holding a sign during a Rise Up Against Racism protest in Fish Creek Park. Protestors gathered in solidarity to support of George Floyd, who died while a Minneapolis police officer kneeled on his neck. Sunday, May 31, 2020. Brendan Miller/Postmedia

How many times can a man look up
Before he sees the sky?

Courtesy photo Kelsey Bardwell Two billboards containing messages that some people found offensive were removed last week in Harrison. The lessee had neglected to make a $20 permit renewal payment that’s due to the state every other year.

How many ears must one person have
Before he can hear people cry?

And how many deaths will it take ’til he knows
That too many people have died?

The answer, my friends, is blowing in the wind   listening & learning, understanding & changing: 

The answer is blowing in the wind voting & advocating & fighting 

Oh, the answer, my friends, is blowing in the wind equality & justice

The answer is blowing in the wind  right the fuck in front of you.

People who have lots of really good things to say

I watched Trevor Noah’s thoughts on the riots from the past few weeks.  I paused it every few seconds to take notes. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4amCfVbA_c&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR18mPLSJO5bZDM8J9QyPxBJZjeR8beYoNXP1XB6Y3EFD1ajHKiOKAn81iY

I watched Chris Cuomo’s ” Closing Argument” and did the same. https://www.cnn.com/videos/us/2020/05/30/chris-cuomo-george-floyd-tale-of-two-cities-may-28-sot-cpt.cnn

I  spent this morning reading, watching, trying to understand what happened in Grand Rapids last night.  I was reminded if we make it about “who did the rioting and the looting to determine if it was justified,” we are taking attention away from the core issue.  https://griid.org/2020/05/31/dont-let-the-system-control-the-narrative-on-the-black-lives-matter-protest-in-grand-rapids/?fbclid=IwAR3in6EZWU_QudvIAzV09jzh5BlG-R6z7pkj0Z_xkjt2QEqYtujSjPZ7xXw

This nation does not have equality, equity or justice.  This nation exists on the suffering and silencing of black and brown people.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I don’t feel that I am the one that gets to decide if peaceful protests or riots are justified.

I don’t know who started the riots in Grand Rapids last night.  I do know that if a manipulative group of white instigators came in to change the narrative, that is insanity. I do know that if we focus on the “what the protesters should have done,” we miss the reality of what the world is like for black and brown people.  I know I have no idea what it is like to live as a black or brown person in this world.

What I do know is this: Those who benefit from the system need to realize it and fight for change.  We need to understand how complicated, ingrained and multi-leveled racism is  and we need to start looking below the surface.

We need to stop being distracted by surface level issue and stop trying to micromanaging voices of oppressed.

And we need to remember this from Bookseller Jenny of Books and Morter: “Today, we wake up aware that no one should be more concerned with or outraged by the destruction of property than the destruction of black life. If this is a tough one to stomach, we highly recommend the book How to be an Antiracist by Ibram Kendi, a vital book for this moment in our community.”

Communism

It is easy to be tongue and cheek (figure of speech is used to imply that a statement or other production is humorously or otherwise not seriously intended, and it should not be taken at face value.). I do it all the time.  But I think there are some times in life or some things in life, we just do not need to be glib about.

For example, comparing the US response to the Corona Virus to Communism.  I admit, I do not know a lot about communism, but I know that when Russia, Cuba, China, and others, all were forced into communist rule, it was not out of good intention.  Nor was it from a response to a global health crisis.

Dictators took over the country.  They used false pretenses of equality and utopia as a distraction to the reality, but there were no good intentions.  People were murdered.  They disappeared from the streets, from their homes, in the middle of the day, in the middle of the night.  Their careers were stripped from them.  There was no music or arts unless approved.  Books and instruments were burned.  Universities were closed for good.

People had to flee for their lives.  They had to make choices between what they believed in and if they wanted to survive.  In face, there is a journalism in China who snuck into the province and city where the virus was rampant to try to report the truth of what he was seeing.  He disappeared.  He is assumed dead.  No one, not his mother, not his friends, have heard from him in months.  I should not have to tell people that the US response to the corona virus is not even remotely close to enforcing communism onto a country. 

IN the US, the limits put on states are for safety.  The economic repercussions of this are acknowledged and the government is doing their best to mitigate it.  They have created stimulus packages in record time.  It may not be enough, but it is clear that solutions are a priority.  Limits were put on states AFTER most people/businesses/organizations showed they were not capable of making safe choices.  This is NOT communism.  It is also not fun.  It sucks.  It is scary and it is hard to imagine what is going to happen next.  But it is NOT communism.  Yet I keep hearing people say that.

What really frustrates me the most as that there are actually people living in communist countries right now.  There are people who lived through communist rule and communism taking over their country.  When people in a free nation, who are obscenely privileged, compare the experience of having their business close or having to shelter in place or that they need to be “liberated” to those who truly suffered in one of the most horrific times you are minimizing that experience.  You are taking their trauma and throwing it back in their face.

This is not communism.  It is making really hard choices without any precedent.    It is choosing the lives of people over their livelihood.

Hoarding toilet paper

When the Corona Virus really started to become news here, the first thing people did was buy all the toilet paper.  To be fair they did it in Australia first.  Like not a roll left on the entire continent!  And I am sure it happened in other countries too.  First world countries that is.  (First world… what a freaking entitled way to use to classify us… but I digress)

When I traveled to different countries in Africa, I would always bring my own toilet paper.  It was recommended in all the travel literature.  There were a lot of “necessities” that I would bring from home because they just are not necessities in other countries.  Toilet paper being one of them.  From holes in cement floors, to toilets with no seats placed in stalls with no doors that you had to pay to use, to outhouses where you get attacked by fire ants that swarm into your pants, toilet paper is the least of my worries in travel.

I will admit to being fairly high maintenance.  I have certain “rules” when it comes to what I need.  I am only going on a vacation where I can take a shower daily.  I prefer not to share my shower with frogs.  I would like to sleep in some kind of a bed.  And have a place to keep my sparkling water cold.  And I suppose sparking water is a big high maintenance too.

So yes, I appreciate toilet paper.  But I cant help think, what does it say about us as a nation (and Australia and others), that the first thing we do is buy ALL THE TOILET PAPER! Let’s take a minute to google some statistics…

The W.H.O. came through…. check this data out from 2019:

Key facts

• In 2017, 45% of the global population (3.4 billion people) used a safely managed sanitation service.
• 31% of the global population (2.4 billion people) used private sanitation facilities connected to sewers from which wastewater was treated.
• 14% of the global population (1.0 billion people) used toilets or latrines where excreta were disposed of in situ.
• 74% of the world’s population (5.5 billion people) used at least a basic sanitation service.
• 2.0 billion people still do not have basic sanitation facilities such as toilets or latrines.
• Of these, 673 million still defecate in the open, for example in street gutters, behind bushes or into open bodies of water.
• At least 10% of the world’s population is thought to consume food irrigated by wastewater.
• Cropland in peri-urban areas irrigated by mostly untreated urban wastewater is estimated to be approximately 36 million hectares (equivalent to the size of Germany)
• Poor sanitation is linked to transmission of diseases such as cholera, diarrhoea, dysentery, hepatitis A, typhoid and polio and exacerbates stunting.
• Poor sanitation reduces human well-being, social and economic development due to impacts such as anxiety, risk of sexual assault, and lost educational opportunities.
• Inadequate sanitation is estimated to cause 432 000 diarrhoeal deaths annually and is a major factor in several neglected tropical diseases, including intestinal worms, schistosomiasis, and trachoma. Poor sanitation also contributes to malnutrition.

https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/sanitation

Have you ever been to a slum? Like a real slum?  I was visiting one in Port-a-Prince Haiti and I cannot even tell you how dire the conditions were.  Bathrooms were the last think on there list of needs, let alone toilet paper.

I have a lot of toilet paper at home.  I have found toilet paper to buy since this pandemic arrived here.  I’m certainly not going to protest people not having toilet paper by giving it up myself.  But there is something truly bizarre and unsettling about the whole thing.

*and if I have this much to say about toilet paper hording, wait until I get on my tangent about hoarding guns… 

Rights vs privilege

Let’s put politics aside for a moment.  Is it possible?  Because everything is being politicized in this moment of unimaginable quarantine.  And it’s an election year.  And we are all divided and many don’t even want to try for middle ground.  And I am a part of that.  I have never had more rage and hate than I have in the last 4 years.  See, I can’t even put politics aside for one paragraph….

So, lets try this again, politics are on the shelf.  I want to talk about humanity.  What we deserve as humans, what are our rights and what, quiet frankly, are privileges.   And this is where I want you to put aside The Constitution, because, yes, The Constitution gives us rights and “we deserve this”, and “no one can take away our right to that”… but instead of thinking about what is really best, what is really needed for safety, we think about what we “deserve”.

So here is what I am getting at.  Covid 19.  Corona Virus.  In the last 100 years we have no experience with a world wide pandemic.   There is no emergency plan, there is no bunker of resources that resupplies hospitals with masks and ventilators.  There is only what we have.  And it is not enough.

There is also science.  And science does have a lot to give.  It tells us how the virus started.  How it spreads.  How we die from it and why.  Science is what is going to end the pandemic because science makes vaccines.  And this is what science has told us…

• The disease is highly contagious.
• The disease can be spread by someone that does not have symptoms.
• This disease can kill you.
• If we don’t make unthinkable changes in our day to day life, it will continue to get worse and worse and more people will be exposed and more people will die.

So Americans are asked to stay home.  Politely and respectfully.  We are given all the information and asked to do our part.  But most American thought it didn’t really pertain to them.  Because they don’t live in a big city or they are healthy, or this is just a hoax.  So they go to the beach or out for ice cream or to a mega church or just with their group of friends because none of them likely have it.  But when most of the populations decides they are the exception, nothing really changes.  And guess what.  Nothing changed.

So then the government had to put their foot down.  Not to take away our rights, but to keep us from hurting each other.  Because for some reason, we just cannot see how our individual actions are hurting others.  If we could all think about ourselves as a part of a bigger community, in which our actions impacted others, the government would not have to order us home.  But guess what.  We can’t do that.

When we were asked to stay at home, I went to the paint store, because what a perfect time to get my house freshened up.  And I went to the grocery store for just some extra stuff.  Because I knew that I could be safe and I am healthy and so is my family.  I can tell you honestly, with out this mandate, I don’t know if I would have realized how serious this is, and continued to live my life.  It took the shut downs and stay at home orders for it to really sink in.

So Michigan (and many other states) as off today, have been ordered home for another 3 weeks.  April 30 is when they hope we can resume life normally again.  And people are not happy.  Because they want to go to their vacation homes.  And out to eat.  And to the beach.  Because they are healthy.  Because they are low risk.

But here is the bottom line for me.  My husband is going into work every night to care for people who have this virus.  He is being exposed to help others get better.  And then he comes home to us.  And then I am going to work to keep kids safe (because yes, kids still get sexually abused during a pandemic).  There are a small percentage of us that have to keep people healthy, safe, fed and stocked.  We are not doing this so you can go on vacation.  Or to the grocery store three times a week or go hang out with your friends all afternoon.

I am asking you to really think hard about rights vs privileges.  Why might it be different now?  Why do we need to be forced to stay home instead of choosing to do so?  What does this say about us collectively?  Because I see a couple of things every day:

People making sacrifices to help and support others & people acting selfish and entitled.  And if you have to explain why you are not selfish and entitled, then it is pretty obvious to me what camp you are in.

 

Unbelievable is believable.

I listened to a podcast (https://www.thisamericanlife.org/581/anatomy-of-doubt) a few years ago about a rape case in Washington State that was dropped because the victim was not “believable”.  (You can also read the original article here: https://www.themarshallproject.org/2015/12/16/an-unbelievable-story-of-rape?ref=hp-2-112#.nXDOj42tQ) She grew up in foster care, had a history of bad choices and attention seeking behavior.  The detective basically bullied her into recanting and saying she lied after her foster mom told them she was ‘unbelievable”.  When the rapist struck again, this time in Colorado to a grad student, the detective started talking to other jurisdictions and figured out this guy was raping women in different jurisdictions knowing that it is rare for jurisdictions to talk to each other.  This is just the facts of policing.  Each jurisdiction has it’s own computer system.  If a person has not been convicted previously it is unlikely one county sheriffs department will know what a city police department is investigating.  But this case was different.  Because of a few very unique circumstances, people started talking and putting their rape cases together.  And when the guy was finally caught, they found pictures of the initial girl in Washington.  Who was telling the truth in the first place.

This is now a short t.v. series on Netflix: Unbelievable.  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTIkUzkbzQk) And it is really good.  And it shows how some victims don’t really stand a chance, and how others have a system that words for them.  It also shows the huge variety of responses people  have after a trauma.  Some cried, some fall silent, some rage, some rewrite their entire personality and life.  Some don’t remember anything, some remember everything but not in any order.  There is no “right” way to respond to trauma, especially a sexual trauma.

I see detectives work rape cases every day.  I see them work hard.  I see them collaborate with each other.  I can see how the system works.  I see detectives believe the most unbelievable victims, because we know how unbelievable sexual abuse really is.  We are never shocked.  Never surprised.  And there are huge barriers, put in place by bureaucracy, just as there are in any profession. But that does not mean individuals are not doing their very best.

What really struck me as I binged this series, were a few things one of the main characters, Marie, said at the very end.  After she had been violently raped, made multiple statements to the police, gone through a rape kit, had to move, then was  doubted and bullied into lying, then charged with making a false report, then going to court and paying fines and getting kicked out of her apartment and having quit her job and being doubted by everyone… evidence appeared proving she was telling the truth.

This is Marie, the foster child who grew up in the system, without parents, with instability, with people who let her down, hurt her, ignored her, left her.  Marie who was finally, barely, an adult, who had her own apartment and job and was taking classes and had friends.  Marie, who lost everything because she was not believed.  She said this:

“Even with good people, even with people you can kinda trust, if the truth is inconvenient, if the truth doesn’t, like fit,  they don’t believe it.  Even if they really care about you, they just don’t.”

I have spent over 20 years working in child welfare.  I know these kids.  I know Marie.  I know what they have been through, I know what they will continue to go through. I know how trauma  has changed their brains and how they live in constant fear.  How their behavior reflects survival.  And how we see their behavior as bad.  And label them as bad.  And they do not fit, and so we try to change them to fit in our world.  And we can’t so they appear even worse.  Marie’s story is not a outlier.  Marie’s story is exactly what we allow.

The next thing that Marie said that stood out to me is what gives me hope.  What makes me believe in the work I do, the work we do, the glimmer of hope in the midst of evil.

“I’ve spent my whole life trying really hard to believe that most people are basically good.  Even when the ones I knew weren’t. I guess it just gave me hope or something.  Then this thing happened, the rape, and I don’t know, it just became harder for me to believe that there was any good in the world/ And I think that that was the hardest part of this whole thing. Waking up feeling hopeless and I would think things like ‘well if the world is this bad do I really even want to be in it’? And then, out of nowhere, I hear about these 2 people in some other part of the county, making things right and more than anything else, more than him getting locked up more that the money I got it was hearing that about you guys that changed things.”

We can change things.  We may not bring down a bureaucracy, we may not change all the laws or stop all the racism, homophobia, xenophobia etc.  We many not stop every child from being hurt or stop the cycle of poverty, but we can make things right for individual people.  We can take our privilege and use it for Marie, because at the end of the day, if we believe in the inherent dignity and worth of all humans, we have to do something about it.  We have to believe.

Baby it’s cold outside

Oh the attention this song is getting all of a sudden!  I have to say I am a fan, it’s just so catchy.  I really like the Glee version with Darrin Criss and Chris Colfer.

But here is the thing with this song… it has this subtle message in it, about consent.  The women is trying to leave and the man is begging her to stay.  It’s flirty, it’s fun, but if you really look at it, she is saying she needs to leave and he is saying, “how can you do this to me!” And on it’s own, I agree, it’s really not a big deal.  But then think about all the songs out there that have similar messages about consent.  They add up!

One of my new favorite soundtracks, Greatest Showman, has a song where Phillip Carlyle (Zac Efron) is professing his love for Anne Wheeler (Zendaya), who is saying sorry, it’s impossible for us to be together, but his response is this:  “but you’re here in my heart so who can stop me if I’m your destiny”.  He loves her, therefore for she is his destiny so he can’t be stopped.  Again, subtle.

When you are a girl, these subtle messages start stacking up.  They are everywhere.  They narrate your life.  And after hearing them consistently and constantly, often without realizing, some girls don’t really think they have have a choice to consent.  Those charming lines in songs and movies and books make you feel lucky to be wanted.  Not everyone of course, but many of us know this feeling.  Or should I say many of us accept this as reality.  It’s normal, so why should we even think twice about it?

People of Color experience micro aggression’s constantly.  Subtle, not even intended as harmful, but they keep coming, over and over again.  Add to that the majority of tv shows and movies that are full of white people.  Presidents, other political leaders, news anchors…white, white, white.  And straight. And men. And Christians.

(I love Hasan Minhaj talking about being Muslim at the airport, start at 5:40: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxhGjDyBT30)

It really isn’t one song.  Or one tv show. Or one movie.  It isn’t even one president (to be fair, he does a pretty good job being extremely explicit in his sexism, racism, misogyny, homophobia etc…).  It’s all of it adding up.  Every little thing becomes something big.  Which is actually good when you think about it, because that means if enough of us starting doing things for that good, that seem small, we can be joined by other’s also doing good. And we can start changing the message.

Baby, it is cold outside, so stay if you need to, or let me give you a ride home so you can hang out with your family this Christmas Eve.

And if you are struggling with understanding consent, here is a great video:

 

And if you want to learn even more… Watch Nanette by Hannah Gastby on Netflix and listen to the Believed podcast from NPR