Self Care (contains adult content)

I have become pretty darn good at self care over the years.  I am a veteran social worker and a working mom.  I have an anxiety disorder.  I have tried a lot over the years.  First and foremost, the ‘Conceal don’t feel” method.  Which is super fabulous until you want mushrooms on your cheeseburger and there are none so you cry for 3 solid hours.  Or you stub your toe and the anger explodes out of your mouth in a string of swear words that you didn’t even know you were capable of.

RX Prescription Drugs Pill BottleI openly admit I take medication daily for anxiety.  Because it helps.  Because I lived in a
world without it and it was hell.  Because I am find owning up to a chemical imbalance in my brain that a small pill can balance out and give me a solid foundation on which to deal with all the other stuff thrown at me every day.

And therapy is great too.  I have had a couple horrible therapists 20 years ago, which turned me off from therapy for a while, but I have also, more recently had a couple of amazing ones.  And I recommend it.  Highly.

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I write, journal, blog, etc.  I surround myself with positive quotes and affirmations.  I excercise and spend time in nature.  I do yoga.  I take a lunch and breaks at work.  I take days off and vacations.  I sleep at least 8 hours every night and drink lots and lots of water.

I read Brene Brown and Glennon Doyle Melton and Dan Harris and Jen Sincero and more recently started a book on Buddhism.  I watch all the TED talks. And tonight I started a class on meditation.  And it is all great.  And 90 percent of the time I am good.  This summer I might have said 30 percent.

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So all this work is really making a difference.  But I recently discovered something new.  And it has changed my life.  I feel light and giddy.  I have optimism and a smile on my face all the time.  This is free and it is easy.  But you may judge me.  So please at least try it before you make horrible assumptions.  But the thing is, I don’t even care, because it has made my life so full of joy.

imagesIt is a pod cast.  It is called…. drumroll please…. “My Dad Wrote a Porno’.  You see, this British guy, Jamie, his dad wrote an erotic novel and it is the single most worst piece of “literature” that has ever been written.  Ever.  And every week he gets together with two of his friends, James and Alice, and he reads a chapter.  And it is so completely horrible, and the comments made by the threesome are some completely hilarious and on point that i cannot even breathe for laughing so hard.  And I will think about something ridiculous from the podcast throughout the day, and I will just feel happy.

Everyone needs this podcast in their life.  It is in no way “erotic” but in every way completely and utterly horrifyingly funny.  So I ask you to give it a chance.  Listen to Jamie come to terms with his father’s new hobby and enjoy the pitiful grammar, the insane “plot” and jump right into the life of Belinda, the new sales manager at Steele Pots and Pans and all that goes with it.

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*NOTE: i am sure that this is not for everyone, if you are uncomfortable with incredibly awkward and somewhat disgusting “erotic” scenarios, you may not be able to find the humor in it.  So how ever you can find consistent laughter in your life, like laugh out loud (LOL or ROFL) for at least 30 minutes 2x a day, it will not have the healing effect of the great novel “Belinda Blinks”.

 

 

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Yoga: Namaste or namastop?

Tonight as I was getting my boots on to go to yoga class I kept tipping over and missing my foot.  Josh laughed at me and said “You’re going to yoga class and you cant even put your boots on?”  I say that to show you just how inflexible and unbalanced I am.  And I did go to yoga.

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I was encouraged to go to a yoga class by a friend.  I figured, It’s yoga, how hard can it be? Then answer is freaking hard.  That first class, I laid on my mat and cried. I cried so hard I had to blow my nose in my shirt.  I could not even hold myself up in the most basic poses.  My arms shook, my legs gave out and i could not even sit up straight.  And as I laid there sobbing I was saying over and over to myself: “You are horrible! You are the worst! You are weak!” And so on.  So the cycle just continued.  I would try a pose, collapse into a heap, cry and tell myself that I sucked.  And then at the very end of yoga class, about the last 10 minutes, you are instructed to lay on your back and the lights go out and soft music plays and you just lay.  And in that 10 minutes, I became a new woman.  I laid there and thought “You did it!” “You stayed!”  Suddenly just staying in the class, surviving the emotional and physical agony was one of the greatest accomplishments of my life.

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I decided to try again. This time with a Yoga 101 class, which came with 2 weeks of unlimited yoga.  I tried a few basic classes and some restorative classes.  It was going well.  A few of the basic classes left me sitting in the car afterwards trying not to puke. After 2 weeks and maybe 6 classes I decided to buy a punch card and commit long term.  Except, i learned a few days later, that during that class I broke my hand.  Yup.  I was so bad at yoga, I broke my hand just trying to hold myself in a basic pose.

The following are images of poses I cannot do:

8 weeks later, I jumped back in.  Focusing on the restorative classes.  Focusing on the meditative aspects of it.  And even though classes continued to be hard, I would leave feeling, well, restored.  I couldn’t really understand why this was working.  Why I hated so much of it, yet felt so good at the same time.

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Tonight, my teacher set her theme for the class as awareness.  She always has great themes and we set our own intention and start class.  And let me pause here to talk about how even the simplest part of class sitting cross legged at the beginning is one of the hardest things for me to do.  It is so uncomfortable and you are supposed to just sit there and breathe, but I sit there and think how uncomfortable I am, and usually miss the entire theme and intention setting because I am trying not to slouch.

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So I set my intention as awareness.  (Usually my intention is survival, I kid you not).  And it was a harder class for me tonight.  A few things I just couldn’t do.  And I am okay with that.  And my teacher started talking about how in yoga you become aware of how you handle learning about your body.  How you handle limits of your body.  And I don’t handle it well.  But at the end of class, as I push through all the poses, I end up feeling good.  Proud.  And it is like that in life.  I get frustrated easily.  I want to give up often. I push feelings away, I am not aware.  I hide.

But I am learning in yoga that pushing through is the only option.  It is okay to use props, take breaks, lay in child’s pose for the entire hour, but you show up and you stay.  And you do what you can do.  So even when 90 percent of the class can bend in half and do the splits and I can only touch my knees, I am doing my best and showing up and staying.

So I will keep showing up.  I may never touch my toes.  But I will be there.  Doing.

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March on

I marched.  I marched with millions of others.  It was surreal. It was amazing. It was powerful.  And then I completely fell apart.  I sobbed my entire drive home from work on Monday.  After I got mad at a bunch of people and decided there is not point in marching or fighting or trying to change anything.

I am not sure what I expected, but maybe something from the president.  Maybe even a tiny acknowledgement of what the millions were saying.  Instead he talked about himself. And his importance.  And he went to the CIA to talk about how the sun came out for him.  Not only did he ignore millions of women, he continued to make every single thing about him.  And I berated myself for this being the only time I marched and felt like it was meaningless because it was an “easy march” or at least that’s what the critics said.

So I listened to the RENT soundtrack and sobbed.  And then I watched Jim Gaffigans new special and slept and woke up ready to fight.  I watched this cute video:

and how can that not make a person’s heart completely full.  And then I talked to my allies.  And Then I starting planning a post card happy hour.  And it felt better.  And then I read a bunch of #alternativefact tweets and felt a ton better.  https://www.romper.com/p/funniest-alternative-facts-tweets-prove-just-how-ridiculous-the-argument-really-is-32244

But at the end of the day, what really inspired me, was this message from Mark Ruffulo

“Each on of us, by doing one tiny thing together make an incredibly powerful whole”

And so I thought about my tiny things.  I teach 30 student social workers every week and I have been for 5 years. I can help them learn about social justice and activism and being a voice for the most vulnerable.  We talk about the dignity and worth of all human beings.  This is something.

I thought about the adult survivor of child sexual abuse I met with today after she finally disclosed the 10 years of sexual assault she endured.  I helped her breathe.  I told her it was not her fault.

I think of the work I do every day, to not only help child victims of sexual abuse, but to change the stigma the community and media puts on victims.  I think of my kids who watched the Women’s March coverage on Channel One news and they could say “My mom was there!”

It is so hard to feel that I am making a real difference.  It is so hard to see how we can overcome this terrifying administration.  It is so hard to feel like I am either overreacting or under reacting.  So I will surround myself with allies and advocates.  I will do small things and if possible big things.  I will honor the feelings I have no matter how irrational they may seem, because I know that irrational is the new reality.  I will take a deep breathe and watch cute three year old singing Disney songs.

It’s not okay: forgetting

wieselnightcov260pxhI have been very inspired? humbled? awoken? by Elie Wiesel.  I ordered his book Night and started and finished it in 24 hours.  It is a quick book in that way, but I cannot say it is easy. To hear a story of a Holocaust survivor is horror but often followed by triumph.  Night does not allow triumph.  Or maybe my now realist heart does not have room for triumph.

Mr. Wiesel states the following in the forward of his book regarding why he decided to write:

 “I knew that I must bear witness.”

“And yet, having lived through this experience, one could not keep silent no matter how difficult, if not impossible, it as to speak.”

“Those who kept silent yesterday, will remain silent tomorrow.”

“He (the survivor) has no right to deprive future generations of a past that belongs to our collective memory. To forget would be not only dangerous, but offensive; to forget the dead would be akin to killing them a second time.”

“He does not want his past to become their future.”

Do you see that Mr. Wiesel is writing to us?  He is telling us so we don’t do it again. So we do not become complacent and vulnerable.  So we remember that human beings truly are capable of the very worst.

And if you cant take history’s word for it, look around at today… Syria.  Sudan.  Somalia.  And i just picked one letter.  Genocide happens.  It is happening.  And we are only a plane ride away.  This is not another world.  This is not something that doesn’t impact America.  This is humanity.  Our humanity.  And where we have been seen as a place of refugee, our people will now be seeking refugee.

I can see people rolling their eyes at me.  “Sarah can be a bit dramatic you know” is what you say in your mind.  Less that 50 years ago, people did not believe that Jews were being corralled, stripped of rights, dehumanized and killed.  But they were.  And Elie Wiesel, and many others, lived.  And they took their life story, their story of horror, to show what can happen.  We know it is possible and we know that every action or words we shrug off as no big deal, more people are being forgotten.  More people become vulnerable.20121209-sss-elie-wiesel-quotes-2-600x411

The president elect speaks of registering muslims.  Trevor Noah says we will register with them.  I say we have to stop this before that decision even needs to be made.  Elie Weisel speaks of a Jewish man in his community that was transported out sooner that the rest of the community and survived a mass execution.  He came back to tell the tale and Elie states: “But people not only refused to believe his tales, the refused to listen”.  Are we listening America?

Elie talks of his father who thought the war would end before Hitler could do anything to the Jews in his community.  His father says: “The Yellow Star, so what? It’s not lethal…” to which Elie responds: “Poor father, of what then did you die!”.

We need to hear and to listen.  Elie’s life’s work cannot be in vain.  Let him bear witness.  Let us listen.  Let us remember.  Let us act.

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It’s not okay: passivity

There are so many people, people I look up to.  People that are my guides for navigating the politics of the world.  People who are mature and well read and well researched.  People who have their biases  in check.  And many of these people have called for acceptance of the election results.  To give Trump a chance to prove himself.  To wait.  This is not okay to me.  Im not about to go out and blindly bash in car windows and set things on fire.  But I will be active and I will be vigilant.  I watched the documentary 13th a few months ago.  It was really great.  It ends with this quote from Bryan Stevenson:

“People say all the time I don’t understand how people could have tolerated slavery, how people could have made peace with that? How could people have gone to a lynching and participated in that? How did people make sense of the segregation, this white and colored-only drinking… That’s so crazy. If I was living at that time, I would never have tolerated anything like that. And the the truth is we are living at a time like that and we are tolerating it.”We have spent years tolerating injustice.  We have spent years thinking it will go away, or it is not directly affecting us.  Or someone else will take care of it.  We watched as Donald Trump stood at his podium of self-righteous narcissism and promoted hate, disrespect, and tyranny.   I sat and watched.  I did not see this as a possibility.  I really though that this would go away, melt into history as an embarrassment.  I should have been active all along.  I should have been active every day.  I should have recognized my white privilege and checked it at the door.

And I didn’t.  Just like Bryan Stevenson said,”and the truth is we are living at a time like that and we are tolerating it.”  I laid in bed the night of the election and though: “I will hide gay people i8432dc3d4e70497892f25691737b3b75n my attic”.  Because I realized that the government could easily decide to round them up and do who knows what.  But now I realize, I cant just decide to hide people, I need to advocate, fight, demonstrate, write, talk, march, protest, protect, stand up… so I do not need to hide people.

We have already waited and we already see.  We know.  We know that 3 white boys in Mississippi put a noose around the next of a black boy and tugged it.  And we know when that boys parents went to the police they asked them not to report it.  We know that white middle schoolers made a human wall so a minority student could not walk into school.  We know people have told minorities to “go back to your country, this is Trumps American now”.  We know woman have had a rise in harassment, we know that women have had their hijab ripped of their head. We know.  So we act.

elie-wiesel-quote

It’s not okay: acceptance

I have heard a lot of people saying really gracious things. “We have to accept the election results” “We have to give him the benefit of the doubt” “We have to believe he will rise to the occasion”.  “We can’t act like the republicans have acted the last 8 years”.  “We go high”. “We have to wait and watch”. I get it.  I really do.  I am not going to act childish.  I am not going to refuse to accept the election results.  I am not going to be a martyr or stoop to rock bottom level. I am not going to hate.

But here is what I am going to do.  I am going to fight.  I am going to advocate.  I am going to be a voice.  I am going to hold people accountable.  I am never going to let racist, homophobic, xenophobic, misogynistic views be okay.

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I will not be complacent.  I will not be a bystander.  I will peacefully protest.  I will be proactive in the fight for equality.  It has always been easy to talk about social justice.  It has always been easy to be make assumptions that passive support is enough support.  And this is what happens when I feel that equality is moving in the right direction.  When I make assumptions that we will keep moving forward. When I believe that because marriage equality has happened it can’t go away.

Now I know better.  A passive approach is not the way.  I listened to over a year of campaign promises from a man I never believed could be president and I was passive.  I was outraged.  I was furious.  But I never thought it could happen.  He talked about “grabbing pussys”for crying out loud!  He insulted and mocked a reporter with a disability!   He was okay with the fact that the KKK supported his candidacy.  He is nominating people to his circle of advisers that are openly white supremacists.  He insulted and degraded ever group of people that are not white heterosexual males.  And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

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It is a part of my white privilege that I did not consider it could happen.  Well no more.  It happened.  It should not have and I did not do enough.  So I will not be passive and I will not assume the best.  I will not stand back and wait.  I will be active. I will be assertive (not aggressive, assertive).  I will hold people accountable.  I will not be okay with people hiding and justifying their vote.  It is overdue for me to show up.  And if our president elect does good things, the I will applaud him.  But truly good things cannot be done with bad motivation.

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And I will do all this out of love and hope.  But my love and my hope are fueled by anger.  And I know that’s okay.

*here are some links where people said what I am trying to say a lot better:

Cory Booker

A Time for Refusal

Alarmism

 

It’s not okay: Nasty Woman

I have stared at this blank page for over a year.  I have had so much to say and no ability to say it.  I could not be vulnerable because my vulnerability had been taken advantage of. So I stayed quiet and watched from the background.  And this past week, I have had a shit ton to say.  And not I am not saying it because I am trying to be really good with the words and not really angry with them.  But anger is okay, as long as it is not hatred.  Anger is necessary to motivate action.  So is fear.  So i am grieving and scared and angry and have lost a lot of trust and I want to fight and be proactive and be assertive and surround myself with like minded people and think of next steps.  I want every place I go and every person I see, and drive by, and wait in line behind to know that I am a fighter for equality and an advocate for marginalized.

I have written so many blogs in my head.  I have had so many reactions and thoughts and words I want to put down, but there is someone out there already saying it.  And I love those people.  But I realize I also need to say my words.  Maybe not for you, but for me.  And then I don’t know where to start, because there is so very much.  But I will start somewhere. And today I will start with a pin.

14991983_10154698695554805_109407734302793482_n  I was gifted this at the Hilary rally the day before the election.  I took the day off and stood in line at Grand Valley State University on a picture perfect day.  I felt such a part of a community.  Strangers who immediately became friends. And this pin made me proud.  It gave me courage.  I tucked it in my pocket at the polls and felt the power of this message as I filled in my circle on the ballot for Hilary Clinton.  As a democrat, as a woman, as a uniter, as a person who stands for equality.  And then I went to bed at 9:30 on election night because the unthinkable never occurred to me.  And when I woke up at midnight… well maybe thats another story for another day.

So fast forward to Saturday.  4 days post election.  4 days of many other stories for other days.  And I put my button on my coat and went to the grocery store.  And to yoga. And out for dinner.  And what I found was my reaction to this button was completely different.  I looked down and I no longer saw this button as a statement of defiance.  I looked down and thought: “I am now officially a nasty woman”.  I thought: “It’s not a joke anymore”.  I thought: “The man who called his opponent a ‘nasty women’ will be our president”.  I thought: “It is acceptable to call another human being a ‘Nasty Woman'”.

And I took my pin off.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am going to get some Sh*t done.  That is not at all the issue.  But there is no more joking around about being a “nasty woman”.  Because it is not okay.  And as I type that I think that will be the name of my yet to be written blog post series.  “It is not okay: Nasty Woman”.  (You saw this title first, but when I wrote the blog, I had no title.)

I am a Strong Woman.  I am a Brave Woman.  I am a Fighting Woman.  I am a Hard Working Woman.  I am a Loving Woman.  I am an Inclusive Woman.  I am a Safe Woman. I am a Woman who will not quiet my voice.  And if that makes me nasty to some, then game on.