because anxiety is irrational

What do you think about most in a day? Your family? Your friends? Your work? Your hopes? Your dreams? Your fears? I will tell you what I think about multiple times every single day… Puke. Yup. It’s a bit of a problem I have. If you know me, you likely know this, although you may not know how often it comes to my mind. Every single day, at least one, if not many more times, I wonder if someone is going to puke. Yes, I know this is crazy. No, I have not been able to stop it in over 11 years of actively trying too.

If you can believe it, I used to be worse. I could not go 5 minutes without out thinking about it. To be fair, obsessing about it. I was getting to the point where I did not want to leave the house, but I could not stay home either. Because anyone, including myself, could puke at any time.

So instead of saying this is crazy (which it is) I will label it correctly as anxiety. Which I am rightly diagnosed with. And my anxiety is mostly under control and rarely interferes with my life (#lexapro #wellbutrin). But there are times it does. And all the rational thought in the world will not keep it away.

For example, if one of my kids says they don’t feel good, I sleep in the basement. The freezing cold basement on a couch, typically with headphones in so I cannot hear any possible hint of puking. I take a valium and I do all my deep breathing and self talk and try to convince myself not to drive to a hotel. And note, at this point, no one has actually thrown up, but that is not what matters. Because, anxiety is irrational.

I was at a school the other day for work, observing a few presentations. And as I sat there trying to listen to my co-worker, my mind would wander… “I wonder if anyone is going to puke in here”. I wondered at the mall today, I wonder at the grocery store. I will not watch certain tv shows or movies if I think someone might puke. In fact I have never gotten really drunk, because I know the result could be puking.

But here is the thing… I can go to schools, and the mall, and grocery stores. I can live my life. 98% of the time. But if I know someone has thrown up, or someone has been exposed to it, I shut down. Totally and completely. And later, when my senses kick back in, I feel like a fool. But this is brain chemistry people and it’s not something I can quick fix because it is a hassle.

I live a happy, productive and fun filled life. I have a problem I am coping with the best that I can. It could be better, but it could be a lot worse. It has been a lot worse. I guess what I am saying is, “it’s not you it’s me”.

 

 

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