I had a great few years…preceded by a crummy few years. Preceded by a lot of mediocracy… So my great few years, the ones I worked really hard for, were where I found myself. Or so I assumed. Well I did find myself. And I ran on that buried treasure for 8 great years. Confidence, success, joy, opportunity… you get the drift.
And I have been a hot mess lately. Depressed, anxious, angry, annoyed, frustrated, betrayed… all those adjectives. Maybe I am being a bit overdramatic, but they are my feelings. And I have surrounded myself with positive affirmations. Hoping something would kick me back into gear. I have 3 new wooden quotes for my office:
“This girl is on fire”
“Today IS awesome”
“Why fit in when you were born to stand out”
They go along side many other quotes I have put up over the years to encourage me (and others) but nothing seemed to be working. I am in a slump (well likely it is slightly more serious that a slump but it makes you less uncomfortable if I use the word slump than something slightly more accurate like depressed).
I just feel so misunderstood. I feel like I have finally found myself and love myself only to be put back on the pile of the unloved, the ostracized, the teased.
And of all the words of wisdom I surround myself with daily, these spoke to me. Deeply. Now they came from my friend (likely my soul mate… hopefully that doesn’t scare you off JVB!) and she knows me better than I know myself so I should not have been surprised.
I searched this quote on Pinterest, which lead me to more pins and more thinking and more self discovery and I started to realize that it is time for more self-discovery. It is time for me to find myself in the place I am now in my life. It’s been a great ride these last 8ish years, but the world is not stagnant and either am I. So I need to dig deeper. Figure out who I am in this new phase of my life. A place where my job can be really overwhelming. A place where I do not have a grant that takes me overseas to train. A place where I have a child who will study reproductive health next week. This is not a bad place, this is a new place, and a place where I still need to be okay with me. And a big part of that, I think, is being okay with people not liking me and people not agreeing with me, and as much as I hate to say it, people having power over me being truly and fully open with who I am in certain circles. (AKA, I need to speak in code on social media). But that does not mean I am any less me. It means I have to figure out how I can be me in this phase of my life. And how I will grow because of it. And how some people may lose my awesomeness because they are afraid. (yup, always will suffer from narcissism…).
And looking back that is a really abstract paragraph of rambling, but what I am really trying to say with all that is I don’t want to live in fear of judgement or censorship. I don’t want to live feeling like I have to hide who I am, but I also have to find a balance in all my roles, be okay with mistakes, go back to a place of humility and learning and likely find a good therapist 🙂