Yesterday I just started feeling depressed. And I don’t flippantly use that word because I know what depression is. (like the time I was in Ethiopia and we missed lunch and I announced “I’m STARVING!” which is not the best thing to say in a country that is most well-known for starving children.) I have been depressed before, like go to a counselor and take meds depressed. Like effect my daily living depressed. And it comes back to visit now and then.
So my heart feels heavy and my energy is flat lined nothing seems easy and time passes slowly etc etc. And I could not put a finger on why. Why yesterday? Why today? On Sunday I spent $32 on new make-up. A tiny little jar of cream that is supposed to magically make redness go away. I was excited on Monday morning. I applied it, I examined myself. I was still me. Maybe a little less red, but me none the less.
And every single day I am going to start eating healthy again. And then I have a diet coke and a pulled pork sandwich. I know that when I eat better I feel better. I know that when I eat better my skin looks better. But I just drive through McDonald’s one more time for that .49 cent ice-cream cone.
And those are legitimate issues, and I deal with them often and I succeed and I fail, and I get mad and frustrated, but this is more. This is HEAVY. And then I watched the following video, and I just realized that I literally have the weight of the world on my shoulders. This guy, the poet, explained exactly what I am weighed down with lately, and his solution is so simple. At least it should be, but at the same time it is impossible.
So when girls and women are expected to look, behave, be a certain way based on the media and marketing campaigns, and religion is more about hate that love, and politics are just that and war and hate and famine are rampant, I feel hopeless. And then I spend a day working about pimples and love handles and I start to feel shallow, because those are note even real problems.
Gandhi says “Be the change”
Mother Theresa says “Do small things with great love”
But someday “being” and “doing” seem impossible. And some days I feel born to conquer it all. But today is not one of those days. So today I will not start my diet, or tackle a big project. Today I will sit in the inkiness of the world and let it sink into my pores until it is to heavy to carry and it turns in to action.