Today, I wanted to be perfect. By the end of it all, driving home, I was full of anxiety and realized, if I was perfect, I would have nothing to regret. Like the choices or decisions I made months ago that affect me today…Or the major mistake at Dutch Dance practice that the whole group noticed and called me out on. (How could I have forgotten the crucial grapevine kick move!) All this causes anxiety that I will be found out. Someone will figure out that I am a fake and have been pretending all this time to be grown up and educated and talented…And anxiety makes me stressed and stress makes me anxious and you can see the vicious cycle.
I hate the appearance of perfection. I love messes. I crave chaos. I need spontaneity. Perfectionism is annoying. Organization frustrates me. Live people. Live and laugh and play and have lots and lots of passion. But I don’t like to make the wrong decisions, but when others make them, I thrive on fixing them. I don’t like to forget, but have no problem if others do. I want to instantly solve a problem that is in front of me, have the right advice at the right time for the right person, but never expect others to solve my problems.