You have no idea, but this is the THIRD time I wrote this post. Because why not have another thing go wrong tonight. I destroyed $50 worth of food trying to cook. I had a 7 year old, Abby style temper tantrum, plus used every combination of swear words in the book.
I failed. I failed about 100 times tonight. I am only writing this because when I started to blog about being a vegan, I said I was not a chef, and I am not. I am the opposite of a chef. I had good intentions tonight. I was going to cook for our road trip, long weekend, Mammoth Cave adventure. I was going to drive by every fast food place on the road while I was eating pumpkin bread and southwest quinoa salad. that I made.
But what really happened was ugly. I swore. A lot. I burned. Everything. I chopped, minced and sauteed and threw it all out. I covered my face with burning hot pepper juice and burned and could not open my eyes. I sat in my bathroom bawling asking my children to bring me a wet wash cloth to try to make the pain go away. I apologized to them through my tears and they encouraged me which made me feel worse.
I want you to know that I am not being dramatic or exaggerating. I was a tantruming, swearing, bawling mess. I burnt $50 worth of food and I can not face the kitchen to clean up. And you can bet I am not going to bake muffins or bread and I am certainly not going to try to make humus.
The thing that pissed me off and make the tears start flowing all over again, is that I really believed I could do it. I messed up a lot in the hour I was cooking. I don’t know how to mince, but I did what I could. I don’t know what a saute pan is and when I did choose one it did not have the cover I was told to use to soften the veggies…
But despite this, I kept going. I kept thinking that when it was over, I would have a super yummy salad and amazing bread and would inspire everyone I knew and no one could say “I can’t” because, I, Sarah Zuidema, the absolute worst and most fearful cook in the Northern Hemisphere, did it. This very Sarah Zuidema, made one successful meal.
And even after about 10 major fails in one hour I was still going to keep on. I had dirtied a half dozen dishes, I had copped and stirred and measured and sauteed. But you know what was the straw that broke the camels back? I could not find the can opener. I had to open 2 cans of black beans and I could not find the can opener.
I ran upstairs, called my husband, started crying, rubbed my tears away with my hot pepper oiled hands and then then the burning began. My eyes could not open, the pain was incredible. It is not 8:45. I have to pack EVERYTHING (Josh works till 11 and we leave first thing in the morning.) I have to clean up my disaster (which will be an hours worth of reminding me of my failure) then I have to pack my clothes, kid clothes, food, bathroom junk, camera, etc.
And all of this, this whole disaster of an evening, the money spent, was worthless. I am worse of now that I was at 7:00 when I left the grocery store. I am optimistic. I believe in people. I believe in myself. I believe that the world can live in peace and that every child can have a family and that we can find cures to disease and give everyone access to clean water. But I can not and will not ever believe that I will cook. And please. PLEASE!!!!! Do NOT tell me that you can teach me. Because you can’t and I won’t let you and I don’t CARE.
So there you have it readers. REAL vegan cooking. REAL SaZu who had an epic fail tonight. And not only did I fail in cooking, I failed in attitude and patience and in being a good role model to my children and I failed in acting like an adult. I even failed in washing my hands.
&%$#, *@#% and &^$$^&